Truth and Lies

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying. No matter what I do I somehow end up screwing it up along the line. For example, I have no idea why I am even bothering to write this post. It's not like some blogger is going to seriously sit down and read this. But I am writing and living in this. I used to always place the blame on me. I was always the villain. Then eventually as I grew up little by little I started to realize that some things weren't my fault.


I came home this morning from a painful afternoon at the Dentist's office to find my friends still mad at me. One was disappointed in me, because I told the truth that I didn't want to watch his video. My other friend was mad at me, because I told the truth that I thought what he was doing was wrong and I was worried about him. I told the truth. Something that they don't realize is very hard for me to do. After years of lying about myself and the world, I realized I hated lying and that I wanted to change. The only problem that came with change was fear. The fear of what people would do if I started telling the truth. The fear that they would abandon me once I started telling them what I really felt. These two friends of mine brought back old memories of why I started becoming a compulsive liar. I was afraid and the people around me were also reinforcing that fear. I can recollect all my thoughts about the times I was always punished, because I spoke my mind and spoke the truth. 


In the end, I never grew up. I actually grew down, if that's even possible. The little girl that I was...was braver than the "grown up" I am now. Although I don't remember much of who that little girl was, I do remember that she tried not to allow others to repress her. I wonder what happened to that girl and how badly my family shattered that hope in me. I wonder how much it took for my family to open up my heart and replace the small ounces of hope I had within me with fear. I was and still am afraid. I don't want to revert back to who I once was, but I can't help but cling to it. Cling back to those lies that protect me and these stupid relationships that can't accept me for who I want to be and who I am. I am tired and scared. What's worse is that I think nobody cares except me.